Helping Children Use Their Words: Bugs and Wishes
One of the most helpful social-emotional tools that can be seen in our classrooms is called “Bugs and Wishes”. It’s a simple, powerful way for children to express their feelings and request change- especially when they’re frustrated or upset. The format is:
“It bugs me when…
I wish you would…”
Why This Tool Matters
When children experience strong emotions (frustration, disappointment, or conflict) they don’t always have the words to express what’s bothering them. The “Bugs and Wishes” phrase gives them a format to begin communicating.
The “bug” part helps them identify what’s bothering them. The “wish” part encourages them to think about what they would like instead. This helps transition from reactive feelings toward solutions.
Over time, children who use this structure build stronger self-advocacy and conflict-resolution skills. They move from saying “Stop that!” to “It bugs me when you ___; I wish you would ___.”
How We Use It at School
During circle time or small-group lessons, teachers introduce the “Bugs and Wishes” format and model it with real classroom scenarios:
“It bugs me when the material is left on the floor. I wish it would get put back on the shelf when you’re finished.”
Visuals (charts, posters) remind children of the format and offer sentence-starters.
When a child becomes frustrated or has a peer conflict, staff support them through the steps:
Take a moment to calm oneself and think.
“It bugs me when…” → identify the problem.
“I wish you would…” → suggest a helpful change.
If needed, seek out an adult for assistance if it can’t be solved independently.
How You Can Use “Bugs and Wishes” at Home
When sibling conflicts arise (or between parent and child), pause and invite: “What is bugging you? What do you wish would happen instead?”
Model this language when you talk with your child: “It bugs me when backpacks get dropped in the hallway; I wish they could be hung up so we can walk safely.”
Encourage your child to use the phrase before coming to you for help. You can say: “Let’s use ‘It bugs me when/I wish you would’, then we’ll work together on what comes next.”
Reinforce the effort: “I noticed you used your bug and wish to talk to your friend- nice job using your words and problem solving”.
Learning to express frustration in words instead of actions takes time. The “Bugs and Wishes” format gives children a clear, manageable way to do this, and builds their ability to self-advocate and solve problems peacefully. Here are a few links to articles and a video with two children providing an example of how a Bugs and Wishes conversation can work: